My confession is not that I feel shame about being “white,” which I do, because that’s pretty normal in my social circle. Rather, it relates to my hurt when I’m called a racist.
How I stop feeling bad about just being me.
The onslaught of requests for money on the street and in social media, fill me with a desire to help, but also guilt, fear of judgment, and resentment. Saying yes to alleviate my discomfort, though, leaves me ineffective. So I am learning to answer from my heart rather than guilt and to love myself in the discomfort of saying no.
I have an irrational, but deep-seated fear of hell that has regularly prevented me from changing beliefs and behaviors that don’t serve me. A series of conversations with Jesus, including how I don’t believe in him as God, helped me to overcome that fear and see that I am loved and loveable as I am.
I started the week in the sleepy and loving embrace of my niece and nephew. In a week of daily prayer practice God showed me moment after moment of when I was loved. How many times do I need to be shown to believe that I am loveable?
“Where do you see God’s love in all this anger?” “God’s not there. If God loves me when I behave badly, then I’ll never change.” But then I remembered loving my nephew in the midst of a tantrum. Could that apply to me?
I hadn’t seen the breakup coming. On Friday night we had dinner with his daughters and talked about summer plans and on Monday he ended it. The loss of my fantasies around the relationship led to an accounting of my failures, turning a week of grief into months of wondering what was wrong with me.
The Monday after I returned from my reclusive month of finding peace in New Mexico, I looked out my window to see a small silver truck blocking my driveway. “Damn construction crews!” It had been happening for nine months. Every. Single. Day. I tried to let it go . . . until I couldn’t.